EUROTRASH PREMIERE

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JOE PUBLIC

DERBYSHIRE CONSTABULARY DISMISS OVER 12000 CRIMES

“ELP!! I’m bein ‘arrassed - they parkin on the bloomin public highway!”

“No worries matey - do you want the rapid response, swat team and helicopter as well?”

“Ere mate - yer can’t park outside yer ‘ouse anymore, yer obstructing Mr Dick’s unrestricted weight haulage squeezing past”

“Pesky neighbours. Already had to apprehend a torch, check for covert garden lights and investigate one of them putting rubbish in a wheelie bin in a suspicious manner...”

“Not MY van!!!

Its White Van Man down the street obstructing MY lorries by parking outside his house!!”

of

Starring the puppet master extraordinaire Mr Dick in a solo performance of

PHONE A FRIEND

“Soon shifted that pesky neighbour off the road for Mr Dick. Thought he was taking over the bloomin’ street parking on the road”

“Only had to use the new off-street parking provided like we did!.”

“Ang on ter yer hat, clear run ahead wi no bangers in way now them there doggone varmits been shifted.”

WHEN IS A PUBLIC HIGHWAY NOT A PUBLIC HIGHWAY?

When legally parked vehicles on a small side street, an adopted public highway and with no where else to park,are moved by the police for the benefit of one private individual.

In the past year there was a 45% rise in reported crimes which were screened out by Derbyshire Constabulary  in order to “assess the most effective way to spend time and money”. 12,115 crimes, including 6 sex offences, were not investigated as “officers prioritised crimes where there was a realistic chance of arresting suspects.”

12,115 crimes were not worth investigating - an increase of 3,750 unresolved crimes from the previous year.

Thus far in the Rayden Engineering Ltd Saga Derbyshire Constabulary has:

ADVISED a private individual to erect palisade fencing over the height limit requiring absent planning permission around stolen flood land.

ACTED in an advisory capacity for a private individual concerning a civil dispute.

APPROVED the CCTV installation, monitoring and recording of inside private properties in breach of The Data Protection Act.

ARRESTED at midnight with a police van and two officers with an escorting police car and a third officer concerning an allegation of criminal damage worth 10 quid a whole 46 days before the three manpower and two vehicle arrest took place.

CAUTIONED a neighbour for shining a torch in his own private property.

CAUTIONED a neighbour for twiddling a piece of string

CONDUCTED several house to house inquiries

DISPATCHED a rapid response firearms unit.

SEARCHED a private garden for garden lighting.

SPENT a whole afternoon studying illegal surveillance  tapes looking for non-existent evidence of a non-existent crime in which to support the known infringement of The Data Protection Act..

QUESTIONED the suspicious manner household rubbish was deposited in a wheelie bin.

INFORMED a neighbour not to park his vehicles quite legally on an unrestricted public highway outside his property as it was obstructing the increased and unrestricted weight haulage entering and exiting previously short of ‘existing storage space’ land.

12,115 reported crimes including 6 sex offences were not worth investigating - an increase of 3,750 unresolved crimes from the previous year.

A torch, solar lights, wheelie bin and legal parking of a vehicle on a public highway were assessed as  “prioritised crimes” in order to utilize time and money effectively?

“Pothole loomon’ POTHOLE loomin!!’”

“Full steam ahead!! Priority clearance for emergency order!! Police escort waiting!!”

“Tough tactics are called for under Operation Puppetmaster. This is now a private road that belongs to Mr Dick and is no longer an adopted public highway.”